Friday, November 21, 2008

Previous blogging - best bits mainly

5 January 2007
A weighty issue
Well this is my first entry. What to say? Well I think I'll write about one of my goals. Yes I made new year resolutions.....again. Isn't life just a set of ever changing resolutions anyway. Well I think I'll deal with the weightiest one. Yes I'm talking about my weight. Just after Christmas I weighed myself. It was not a good moment. I reached my highest weight, 74kg. Now I know for a lot of people that's not someting to whinge about, But for a woman who was a tiny size 8 in her late teens I think I've the right to whinge. So I made a goal to get down to 6okg this year. What I didn't realise at the time was that losing weight would mean eating healthy (yuck) and exercise (horror). So I am now trying to walk every day and not eat junk food. I WANT CHOCOLATE.
But on the up side I am losing weight.

6 January 2007
Lack of Motivation
I'm sitting here at the computer. I should be doing a Uni assignment but I'm not. My motivation left me about mid morning. I hate it when I get like this. All I want to do is veg but I can't. So there lies the dilema. I should get away from the computer and do something else for a while. Lunch would be a good idea. My stomach thinks so too.
To contact or not to contact that's the question
Do you ever find yourself wondering about long lost friends? Well I did today. I found myself thinking about my best friend from high school. We lost touch years ago. I was wondering how she was, what she was doing, whether she was married. Well anyway I did a search on her name and I think I found her. I even got an e-mail address and phone number. Now I am so tempted to either call or e-mail her. I don't know if I should do it or not. Part of me is worried that it is the wrong person and that would be so embarrassing. Part of me worries that she'll think I'm a freak for looking her up. There's also that fact that I have changed sooooo much since I last saw her. My whole outlook on life is completely different. Not that I'm complaining mind you. The old me was basically a door mat. I'm way more confident and self assured. Even my interests have changed. I wasn't a Christian when I last saw her. I am now. Will we have anything to talk about? I'm being pathetic. Really I just want to know how she is. Is she happy? That's all really.
I think I'll e-mail her.
What's can happen?

7 January 2007
Happy Happy
am REALLY happy today. Why? I don't know. Maybe coz it's Sunday. Well I'm planning on keeping a positive attitude all day. Yea Me. Catch ya later.
8 January 2007
Ouch!! But still kicking.
Was having an okay day yesterday. That was until I slipped on the stairs. Lucky I was already near the bottom. Now I'm sporting a very sore elbow and butt. I thought about putting up a picy of my elbow but I didn't want to grose anyone out.
I still got up at 5am this morning and went for my 1/2 hour walk. I am so proud of myself.
I also weighed myself this morning and I'm down to 70.5 Kg. Me very happy.
Well I got lots to do today.

18 January 2007
My Thoughts for18 January 2007
I have been feeling off colour for a few days now. I think I'm letting myself get too stressed out. I need to chill out. I'm stressing mainly about a group assignment I have to do. I haven't done any group assignments since high school and that was over a decade ago. I'm finding it hard to see how we can blend all our ideas together into one presentation. At first I was worrying about figuring out how to use power point and front page but I've sorted that out now. I think I'm just a perfectionist at heart and I want things my own way too much. To be honest I'd rather do the whole thing myself. Can't do that now can I? Anyhow it's only worth 5% and I've already done very well on everything else, so I should just get over it. Now how does one do that. If only I knew.

19 January 2007
When I call
" The moment I called out, you stepped in; you made my life large with strength."
-Psalm 138:3 The Message
None of us are perfect. We try to follow God but life gets difficult at times and we stumble. Even some of the greatest people of the Bible stumbled. They did the wrong thing and so do we all at times. But the amazing thing is that when we call out to God for help(and I mean truly call out) then He is there to pick us up. But really why are we surprised? He IS our FATHER. As parents, if we saw one if our children lying in pain on the ground wouldn't we rush over to their aid. But imagine you get there and they push you away, not wanting your help. How hurtful would that be. Wanting to help but not being allowed. Now imagine how God feels when we do that. He sees our pains and he wants to help. We just need to call out to Him with all our heart.

What I would say to my younger self
Wow I'm on a roll today. I've even done a heap of work on my Uni stuff. Anyhow I caught a few minutes of Oprah and there was a question posed.
Qu: If you could have a conversation with your younger self what advice would you give her?
Here is my answer.
Girl, love yourself. Don't be afraid to be yourself. You are a wonderful person. Don't believe anyone who disagrees. Trust me there will always be people that you just don't get along with and that's okay. If we were all the same life would be boring. Remember those girls who bully you are dealing with there own issues too. Try to forgive them but also stand up for yourself. You have rights and stop trying to be their friend. It's not worth it. If they don't like you the way you are then they just don't like you. It's their problem not yours. Don't stop being yourself just to make friends. Try looking for friends in unexpected places. The quiet girl in the corner could turn out to be a loyal friend. If you don't try you'll never know.
Do your best at school and quit wagging. You've got an intelligent brain in that head so use it. Make sure you think carefully before applying for University. Chose something you really want to do not just something easy to get into and takes you out of town.
Speaking of this town. Don't bag it so much. It will be a much friendlier place in a few years and you might just find yourself returning.
Now don't give up on your dreams. Keep writing poetry. Try your hand at writing something else. Try getting something published. Your never know how far it may take you.
Remember to go to church. Take the time to get closer to God. Whatever you do don't let Him slip away from you. Join a youth group. You can meet some fantastic and genuine people there.
Take the time to appreciate life. Spend more time getting to know your family, especially your grandparents. You'll really miss them when they're gone.
Oh and most importantly don't forget to talk to that guy your friend has a crush on. He's your future husband. Don't worry she doesn't stay mad long. And she's still a close friend.

20 January 2007
Welcome to wherever you are. God makes no mistakes
I was just listening to this song and the lyrics really hit me so I thought I'd put them here for all to see.
welcome to wherever you are have a nice day, 2005
Maybe we're all different but we're still the same We all got the blood of Eden running through our veins I know sometimes it's hard for you to see You're caught between just who you are and who you want to be If you feel alone and lost and need a friend Remember every new beginning is some beginning's end Welcome to wherever you are This is your life; you made it this far Welcome, you got to believe That right here, right now You're exactly where you're supposed to be Welcome to wherever you are When everybody's in and you're left out And you feel you're drowning in the shadow of a doubt Everyone's a miracle in their own way Just listen to yourself, not what other people say When it's seems you're lost, alone and feeling down Remember everybody's different; just take a look around Welcome to wherever you are This is your life; you made it this far Welcome, you got to believe Right here, right now You're exactly where you're supposed to be Be who you want to be Be who you are Everyone's a hero Everyone's a star When you want to give up and your heart's about to break Remember that you're perfect; God makes no mistakes Welcome to wherever you are This is your life; you made it this far Welcome, you got to believe Right here, right now You're exactly where you're supposed to be And I say welcome... I say welcome... Welcome...
If you are not happy where you are then remember God really does make no mistakes

23 January 2007
Darkness falls
And I bleed from invisible wounds
Pain that no one can ease
Alone in the darkness I cry out.
Who can hear me?
Who will come to my aide?
So many walk by
Turning their heads away.
I feel I am at the end
Panic overwhelms me
Won't someone love me
I am starting to fade.
A hand, so strong
Whose can it be?
Is it friend or foe?
Do I dare?
Can I trust Him
Will he truly save me?
Am I worthy?
No I can't be
But still the hand
It stays offering help
Offering a different way
Can it be?
I take the hand
Instantly my wounds are healed
The pain is gone
Replaced by unconditional love
My Jesus thank you
I was once broken and afraid
You accepted me and
You loved me
By Joanne Erbacher

4 February 2007
I am not an obsessed perfectionist....Am I?
Hi all. My eyes are getting blurry from doing my exam practise quizzes over and over and over again. My darling husband says I'm getting obsessed. I don't know what do you think. I've found that the exam is taken from the some database as the quizzes and if I can get the quizzes down pact I'll have no problem in the exam itself. That makes sense doesn't it? Okay well I suppose I should also admit that I've got all the questions right heaps of times now. But what if I forget. Oh I'm such a big stresser sometimes. I know I should just give it a rest and just do the quizzes a couple more times tomorrow before I go off to the exam. Self control woman.
Well I guess that's the obsessed part. Now to the perfectionist part. I got my marks back for my essay this week and I didn't do as well as I wanted to. So, of course I went into self doubt mode. How typical of me. I mean I still passed and admittedly I haven't written an essay in oh at least a decade. But here I was berating myself. Yes see I have a dream of being a published poet or writer someday. After I finish my teaching degree and start working I plan to do a writing correspondence course. So I am telling myself if I can't possibly ever succeed in writing if I can't get really high mark on my essay. Then the voice of reason speaks, aka my Hubby. He points out that writing poetry or a book is way different than essay writing. Hmmmmm
Maybe I am an obsessed perfectionist.
Help me How do I cure myself.

10 February 2007

A Lesson in Love
Mother, do you really love me?
When you say you do I'm just not sure.
How can you really love me so much
When you always say that you love GOD more?
Oh, my dear child, that's easy to explain
GOD made everything, the land, the sky, the sea
All the animals, the plants, the stars
Why GOD even made you and me
It was GOD who taught us how to love
When he gave Jesus, his only son
To die, then rise, our souls to save
Showing how much he loves us, everyone
So, my dear child, can you see the truth?
Through GOD's love we are truly blessed
And I really do need to love GOD more
That way I can truly love you best.
By Joanne Erbacher

Always There
When life just seems too hard
And the world is harsh and cold
When I'm fighting an endless battle
And I feel I'm just too old
When my burdens are too heavy
And my back is about to break
When I have trouble moving forward
And I struggle with each step I take
When I look to the world for comfort
Just searching to see some love
And all I find is heartache
In this world of push and shove
When I feel I'm all alone
And there's no one to really care
I turn around and see your face
And I realise you were always there
By Joanne Erbacher
25 March 2007
Choosing to smile

Choosing to smile. How hard it is at times. But how important it is to do so. I am a born stresser, so when things go wrong my stomach automatically twists into knots. I'm an emotional person, so when things overwhelm me and I don't know what to do I cry. Now this doesn't help. The crying releases tension, which is good, but if I didn't let things stress me so much then the tension wouldn't be as much in the first place.
For example. My DH left yesterday morning to go on a Youth Group camp. Where they were camping was out of mobile phone range. By lunch time yesterday I realised that our fridge had died. Our financial situation is very tight so this is a big deal. I rang around trying to find a repair man, all the while wondering how I could pay them. No where was open. DH had taken our large esky on the camp. I took all the stuff I could get away with freezing downstairs to our freezer. Mum and Dad lent me their small esky to make do with. Now it would seem to the outsider that I had things over control, at least as a temporary solution, but inside side my stomach was churning and churning. I wanted to scream out " HEY WHY ME! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS" I know other people have way worse things happening in their lives, but as I said, I'm a stresser. Later I went outside to take the clothes off the line and I just burst out crying. I felt so stupid, but I just couldn't help it. I felt like a failure. I thought that I was to blame. That I couldn't even keep the basic stuff running in my house. And that was my day yesterday...churning and crying. The point of my stories is I am no better off for churning and crying. It didn't solve anything and I just felt sick by the end of the day. I still had no fridge and no money.
Now today at church I approached Pastor Rob with my problem, hoping he would know of someone with a spare fridge and he has offered us his spare fridge until we can save up for a new one. Isn't God good. He always comes through with the goods.
I resolve right here, right now to try my hardest to choose to smile and not to frown. To choose to laugh and not to cry and most of all....Choose to trust that God has everything in control and he won't let me down.
How to fly
So many of us crawl around in the shadows of pain and suffering not knowing where to turn. We look at our lives and see hopelessness and despair and wonder how we got here and how we can make a change our lives. We feel unworthy of love and compassion. Maybe we’ve done some seemly unforgivable things in the past. Maybe someone has told us of Jesus and his gift of eternal life through forgiveness and love but still we are afraid to give our lives over to him. We wander around aimlessly trying to save ourselves yet all the time feeling empty, longing for something to fill us up. The only way we can feel truly whole is through acceptance of Jesus as our Saviour. Jesus is ever loving, ever forgiving and ever compassionate. He can bring you out of the shadows and lift you up into the light. But if you want Jesus to lift you up first you have to be willing to let go of the ground. And that means being willing to let go of trying to fix things yourself. You have to being willing to give over control of your life, trusting that he always works for the good in our lives. So just let go of the ground and let Jesus lift you up to fly.
There is darkness all around me
Creating shadows upon my soul
Forever falling deeper still
While I shiver with the cold
This world it has deceived me
It’s drawn me from the light
I have turned towards the darkness
Walking deeper into the night
I am sinking deeper still
As I live life on my own
But I flail about in vain
Failing hopelessly alone
I need a voice to guide me
To lead and show the way
How I can leave this past behind
And stride into the day?
There is one who can save me
Who can wipe away my sin
But I’m scared to lose control
And I know I must give in
Giving in, it’s so hard to do
And I struggle just to try
I must be willing to leave the ground
Before Jesus can help me fly.
4 November 2008
I have realised that my brain is full of clutter. I think too much and most of the time it's not organised thinking. It's no wonder I find it hard to organise my house/life. I am frustrated. I hate being this way. My stomach is in knots and I feel down. I can't seem to focas on anything. I get distracted too easy. Why me? I know that God has his reasons and if I let him he can use the bad stuff in my life for good. I...I don't know. There's so many dreams I many many things I want to do...I want to much. But I can't stick to things. It makes me sooooo mad! Why? Why? Why? I get obssessed with stuff and go totally overboard. Like pen pals for example. I used a Christian pen pal site and sent off a heap of emails. Now I have heaps of new friends. Which is great. They are all fantastic people who I want to get to know even better. But how do I keep up with it all. I don't want any of them to be disappointed. I guess the truth is I don't want anyone ot to like me. That's another big issue of mine. I really can't handle it when someone doesn't like me. I feel a need to be perfect but I can't be and that is not okay. Well it is I know....But try telling my brain that. It's no wonder I'm seeing a pschologist for anxiety and depression. That another things that gets me down though. It makes me feel totally pathetic. I haven't had a fraction of the stuff happen to me that others have been through. Why can't I deal with it then? Am I stupid? Useless? Lazy? Needy? What is it about me that makes me like this. I want it gone. Please. I just want to feel good about myself most of the time rather than some of the time. I want to feel worthwhile. I want to be motivated. I want to create routines in my life and stick to them. I know that God is always there for me. I know I should turn to him in prayer more. It's hard. What if he doesn't like me? Now I know that's an utterly stupid question. But there it is. It's hard to believe anyone would like me when I don't like myself.

7November 2008
My lil Angel
At the moment I'm finding it real hard to feel happy. I felt like this yesterday too. But one thing that really helped was my darling little princess,"Angel". She's my Chihuahua. She's been such a blessing to me. Last night she snuck inside. She's not suppose to be inside. Dh's rules not mine. I'm still working on him. Anyway I put her up on the lounge chair next to me. She snuggled in at first and then after a while started nudging me which soon turned into licking me all over. That's the way she tells me she love me. I've only had her a few weeks. I adopted her from the animal refuge. She's 6 and was very timid when I first got her. She has become so attached to me and has really come out of her shell. I love her unconditional love. She's the best and always brings a smile to my face.
Luv and Hugs

18 November 2008
DH was reading a book a while back about forgiveness. I haven't got around to reading it myself yet. But DH told me that we can't forgive someone unless they actually ask for forgiveness. This is because the Bible tells us to forgive others as God has forgiven us. This confused me and upset me. Why? Because I had dealt with some issues in my past such as date rape and bullying by getting to the point where I thought I had 'forgiven' those people. I didn't have ill feelings towards them anymore and hoped that they were happy in life. But this whole new idea on forgiveness made me doubt whether I had healed of these old wounds as much as I thought.
But I've thought about it some more and this is how I see it. God offers us forgiveness but he doesn't force us to take it. We have to want it and ask for it. And in my heart I have offered those who have hurt me forgiveness. It's not my job to make them accept it. Also it shouldn't matter whether they do or not to me.
I guess the forgiveness that has healed me the most is the forgiveness of self. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be bullied and not to stand up for myself or seek help from others. I forgive myself for staying in that bad relationship and putting myself in the situation that led to the date rape.

1 comment:

Blind Mom said...

wow what a awesome post forgivness is a very hard one. I am a member of Christians Depression yahoo group. I saw about your blog. I also have a blog that I am trying to set up. You are welcome to come read mine.