Sunday, February 22, 2009

Journal Prompt - self acceptance

Let's Write About....Spiritual things...What are the main lessons God is teaching you this week?Write about your church. Write about your Devotional times this week. Write about an inspirational book you are reading in your Quiet Time. Catch up on some time with God this afternoon or evening :-)

I think I'm going to focus on what lesoons God is teaching at the moment. He really gave me a huge lesson last night. Basically he's telling me I need to learn to accept myself and stop thinking so little of myself. I guess I hadn't realised just how little I thought of myself. Last night I went to a lingerie party. You know...those party plan things. It was reasonably expensive lingerie and I wasn't sure if I could afford to get anything. Hmmm...I'm finding this hard to explain. There's more than one issue arising here. Well for one thing I sort of don't like parts of my body. Okay I don't like my breasts. They are large and one is quite larger than the other.I'm a little overweight but not by much. Anyway this causing lots of problems finding good bras and I don't really like being measured for them or anything. Well the demonstrator lady was so nice and really put me at ease after a while. Oh and I found a bra that actually works for me...yeah! She also told me not to feel so bad about myself. It was a big step even for me to get this far.
Okay here's the biggy. Alison, my friend who hosted the party, comes in and tells me that someone (she won't say who) has given me money to buy something and Alison gave me one of her half price vouchers to use as well. This meant that I was able to get a bra that fits me well for free. It was so amazing. I really couldn't understand how someone could do this for me. I really dwelt on this all the way home and by the time I went to bed I was in tears. Unfortunately they weren't tears of joy. I was so distraught. I felt horrible. I felt so unworthy of this gift. I wanted to run away and hide. All I could think of was if only this person knew the real me...the horrible me...I felt like a fraud...a cheat. I just wept and wept. Then I cried out to God. I begged for understanding. I wanted Him to speak to hold me. I was so confused. Then I felt Him whispering to me. I don't really know what He said but I know a peace came over me. Then I had a realisation. I am really hard on myself. I find it so hard to forgive myself when I do something wrong. I expect perfection and anything else is a failure. I truly believe I am unlovable. That's why I was so incomprehensible to me that someone would show kindness towards me. God is teaching me to let go of that and I'm slowly learning to love myself more.
Luv and hugs
God Bless

1 comment:

Pauline said...

I really liked reading this post... touching and honest and I think that the most wonderful thing is that God really wants you to know that you ARE loved... so much! and that He would take the time to show you that!!! even in a bra! and the kindness of others... and I have to tell you too I felt similarly with the unlovable but mostly the boob thing... I also have LARGE ones (read 14G!!!!!) yep that big and I have never liked them and everyone else in my family (six other females have really normal ones!!) so for 34 years I lived with hating my boobs and people saying things like "man you have big boobs" and me me saying "really? I hadnt noticed, thanks for letting me know that!!" anyway at 34 I went for my first ever bra fitting... yep it was ugly about 50 bras, and inexperienced fitter and an experienced one and about an hours worth of time I finally had a bra that fit... man I felt GREAT. It made a huge difference to me and the way I felt. But ultimately the only thing that can give us self worth is Jesus because He really does love us that much, to die on the cross yes! and to find a bra that fits!!
Sorry this is so long- you touched a chord in me "O)